I have a spark, and an idea.

Since giving birth in April, I've been thinking about training to become a doula, offering non-medical assistance to women during pregnancy, childbirth, and afterwards.  Doulas offer both emotional and practical support, and I'm brimming with ideas of ways I might serve women in this sacred journey.

A friend of mine who recently left Twin Oaks just told me that she's begun a correspondence doula training course, and we talked about the power of doing the coursework together.  I looked at the course overview online, and got very excited.  Birth Arts International (BAI) takes a wholistic, mother-led approach to birth, using herbal medicine and the woman's own wisdom as guides for care.

The website mentioned that scholarships are sometimes available, and I wrote this email:

> I'm writing to request a scholarship for the Doula Certification correspondence course.  I'm passionate about encouraging women to trust their bodies' wisdom, using all their senses and letting go of embarrassment about natural body functions.  I teach a workshop about "body taboos" that encompasses anything from body odor to wrinkles -- whatever the women in the group want to explore.  Becoming a doula feels like a natural extension of this work, especially since I've now had the experience of childbirth!  I'm a mom to a 5 month old girl, born at home with a midwife.  I was really disappointed with some of what my midwife did during the birth, and that strengthened my desire to serve other women in their births.

>

> I need a scholarship to help pay for the course because we live very simply and have no extra money beyond our monthly bills.  We grow a lot of our own food, and barter for things we can't pay for.  If there's a way I could serve BAI in exchange for the scholarship, I'd be happy to!  Program promotion and text editing are two possibilities that come to mind...

> Please let me know if you need more information from me.

>

> best wishes,

> tickledspirit

The next day I received a message from the program telling me that I had a scholarship for any of their programs I wanted to take!

The scholarship covers $100 of the $350 Doula Certification course.  In thinking through ways to get the rest of the money, I had an idea...

If 25 people each donated $10 towards this course, I'd be able to do it.  I mentioned this to several of my friends and family who immediately agreed.  Then I broadened my view, imagining that other friends will one day be in this same position of wanting something passionately, without the funds to pursue it.

So I offer this idea to you.  I'm calling it a Fund SWAP (Supporting Wishes And Passions).  $10 every now and then is nothing compared with a few hundred dollars at once.  If you feel inspired, please support me in doing this Doula Certification program.  When you have a project you need funding for, send an email describing the project to your friends and family (including me!), and give us the chance to fund your passion.

(I'm using PayPal for this endeavor -- it seems the easiest and most convenient.  Clicking the "Donate" button will take you to a page where you'll indicate how much you want to donate, by what method (if you don't have a PayPal account, you can also use a credit card).  Or, if you want, you can send me a check in the mail!)

Aurora is asleep in bed next to me, and I'm typing on the laptop I inherited from my Grandma a week and a half ago.  Today I found a refreshed determination to WRITE.  This is my mode of self-reflection and of engagement with the world around me -- this is how I've learned to go deeper in my understanding of my experience... and that's exactly what I need right now.

And blogging, different than journaling, holds me to a standard of keeping it *relevant* -- not just bellybutton gazing and self-sympathizing.  With blogging, I keep thinking of the reader asking "so what?".  How does my experience relate to the larger world?  That's a big piece I feel myself missing these days, as I putter around the house with Rora in the sling, washing dishes and laundry for a whopping 5 people (compared to the 100+ people I used to serve with my daily actions).  I keep asking myself "so what?"... and rarely come up with a satisfactory answer.

This lifepath is turning out to be boring, lonely, and frustrating... I spend too many hours alone with 5 month old Aurora, without people to bounce ideas off of or to provide fodder for my mental and emotional growth.  These days, I feel incredibly stagnant.

AND, at the same time, I feel the fire burning in me, the passion just waiting for fuel.  I ask myself daily, "what can I do?"... and then Aurora wakes up or bumps her head, and the question drifts away.  So I'm going to write, nightly, after she falls asleep.  I'm going to use this time to bring the questions forward and keep my fingers moving through the self-doubt and fear and see what answers come.  Until she wakes up, and maybe even keep writing through the nursing, thanks to Grandma's laptop and our neighbor's wireless connection. 

SO WHAT?

So I'll be more able to be present with Rora, so I'll be a better mom, so I'll be back exploring at the edge instead of in the muddled middle, and the edge is where I grow, where I learn.  So I'll be more alive, and happier, so I'll have more to offer the world around me, so I'll be a better mom.

Getting it all out of my head helps make it more real.  I'm going to write, and through writing, remember who I am.  For myself, for my daughter, for all the people in my life, and for (  ) ... the spirit that permeates all.

Lately I've been feeling the itch for inspiration, feeling antsy about getting a project to really throw myself into.  Rora is always here for whatever energy I have to give, of course, but I'm wanting to do something on a larger scale, involving more people.  I might direct a children's play this winter, or facilitate an Authentic Movement class at the local community center.  My yearnings extend beyond the immediate, though... I want a long term journey to invest my energy in.  I want a mission.

I recently came across this piece I wrote for a Wetpaint wiki site on Radical Intimacy (spawned by the workshops that I've facilitated with Pax and Sky)... and I felt inspired:


This could be a piece of the mission, but it's still not the comprehensive vision.  That's coming -- I can taste it, tingling through my body like an approaching orgasm.  Not there yet, still a ways to go... but I know I'll get there eventually, so I can relax and enjoy the journey.

This morning I watched Rora try to roll over in my mom's bed, softer than ours at home. I snuck out of bed to write in my journal while Rora was self-entertaining with her toes. I sat in a chair at the foot of the bed in the small room, listening to Rora's contented sounds as I wrote. When I finished, I took the opportunity for quiet observation of my daughter, who was totally focused on her new task. From laying on her back, she'd flip over using the strength of her legs, like usual, but the fluffiness of the bed prevented the rest of her body from following and she kept returning to her back. She tried at least a dozen times while I was watching, out of determination rather than frustration. She was exploring and experimenting, trying to figure out what the trouble was. She finally found that she could grab the fabric of the pillowcase to hold her body in place once she had her first arm over, then wriggled her second arm -- stuck beneath her body in the nest of fluffiness -- out from underneath.

Watching my daughter this morning, I remember that life is about experimenting, learning, growing. None of us have it all figured out. I can only keep exploring what's possible, and enjoy myself while I do it!

Today is the one year anniversary of our wedding! I figured in honor of the day, I'd post the script from the ceremony for your reading pleasure...

SETTING: summit of Sunrise Mounain, Stokes State Forest, Western New Jersey (the beautiful part of the state)...
1pm, sun shining, dark rain clouds in the distance, thunder in the background throughout

People will be milling around meeting each other and chatting until we show up at the top of the mountain. The band will be playing, and when Jeff emerges, the bandleader will stop the music and explain that Jeff is going to hide among the guests until Kate finds him (a Nigerian tradition). Band will then continue playing. When Kate finds him (and is able to touch him, not just see him in the crowd), the ceremony will begin. Tony will have the job of encouraging people to find their seats so that we can begin.

Juniper will start everything off by standing and explaining her role as “smudger”, and then she’ll light a sage smudge stick and walk around the circle while Faith and Moose play "Give Yourself to Love".

JUNIPER: In ceremonies of all kinds, it is common to cleanse and purify the people and the space at the beginning of the ritual. My favorite word for this is the Native American practice called “SMUDGING”… My name is Juniper, and * I * am your SMUDGER!

It is believed that the smoke of sacred herbs wards off evil spirits or unwanted energy. I really want my Dad and Kate to have a nice wedding, so I’m going to burn a bundle of sage to protect the sacred space.

When the song is over and the smudging is done, Juniper will ding the chime. Tony will stand and begin.

TONY: Welcome to Jeff and Kate’s wedding ceremony! I’m Tony, Jeff’s brother, and I’m honored to be your Master of Ceremonies this afternoon. We’re here to celebrate the partnership that Kate and Jeff have chosen to pursue together, as well as to honor the human capacity for love.

Love knows no boundaries, no borders, no time zones. People all over the world love each other and celebrate partnership. Throughout their lives, both Jeff and Kate have been influenced by the cultural traditions and spiritual beliefs of people around the world, and they’ve created a wedding ceremony that reflects and honors many of these traditions.

With our help, Kate and Jeff will take part in several tasks that couples engage in during wedding ceremonies in different cultures. Some of the customs are playful, some are practical, and some are sacred. All of them are meant to celebrate the experience of joining in marriage.

We’ll start off with a task from here in North America, from the Navajo people of the Southwest.

CHRISTY: My name is Christy, I’m Jeffrey’s sister. In the Navaho tradition, a bride and groom would begin a marriage ritual by washing each other’s hands. A Marriage is the beginning of a new life. The individuals known as Kate and Jeffrey are washed away by the cleansing waters, no longer just individuals, but also bound as one.

Wash hands in wooden bowl…

AYDEN: I’m Ayden, and Jeff is my Dad. We now set forth to honor the parents of the bride and groom. It is not simply the gift of birth which makes it possible for Kate and my Dad to be here today, but the years of love, dedication and nurturing required to raise them. We witness today that wisdom has been
passed on as well, for how else could such great love come to manifest itself?

In both Chinese and Tibetan cultures, it is traditional for the bride and groom to hold a tea ceremony for the parents. The task given to Kate and my Dad is to properly honor their parents with such a ritual. The ingredients used in the tea symbolize fertility, and the tea is sweet to foster sweet relations with their new in-laws.

Serve tea to parents…

TALLY: I’m Tally, Kate’s aunt on her mother’s side of the family. My father’s parents came from Norway in the late 1800’s, and Faith and I grew up in a household that was rich with Norwegian influences, from lefsa to legends about trolls. The solier (sol-ee-ay) that Kate is wearing is a piece of traditional Norwegian wedding jewelry, passed down from our father to Faith, who gave it to Kate to wear today.

There’s a folk tradition in Norwegian weddings that typically happens on day four of the six-day wedding celebration, on Skaaledagjen - The Day of Toasts. Since a lot of us have traveled a long way to be here, we’re not going to wait around for three more days! Kate and Jeff, your task from Norway is to dance together on the top of a stump, so we can all see how well you work together in difficult circumstances!

Dance!

DANELE: I’m Danele. I’m Ayden’s mother and a close friend of both Jeff and Kate. I’m going to describe one of the most well known traditions from Africa: “jumping the broom”. This tradition originated in Ghana, where the broom was used symbolically to sweep away past wrongs. In America, the tradition of jumping over a broom became used among slaves, who weren’t permitted to marry legally. “Jumping the broom” was used by slaves to declare marriage to their friends and family, proclaiming a commitment to each other despite legal prohibitions.

Many sources say that jumping the broom symbolized the wife’s commitment to keeping a clean house, but since both people do the jumping, I’m sure it’s not just one person’s responsibility! It’s also used as a test to see who will be the leader of the household; whoever jumps the highest gets that reward.

Let’s have the kids come up to hold the broom, a few on each end.

So, Kate and Jeff, sweep away past wrongs, and let’s see your commitment to a clean house! And remember, whoever jumps the highest is the decision-maker in your home…

Take turns jumping broom…

WESLEY: I’m Wesley, Kate’s uncle on her dad’s side of the family. There’s another tradition that determines who is going to be the head of the household, so there’s still a chance to get even! This tradition is from Russia, where Orthodox weddings included a race between the bride and groom to be the first to step on a white rug at the other end of the church. The rug symbolized wishes that the newly wed couple should have wealth and prosperity and never need to face poverty standing on a bare earthen floor.

Kate and Jeff hope for wealth and prosperity, and also for an earthen floor someday! Instead of a rug, I’m going to lay down this circle of rope for them to race to. Whoever steps inside first will be the head of the household. On your mark, get set, GO!

Race… (whoever won broom jumping looses this time)

DAVID: In the Pygmie tribes of Africa, the groom has only one obligation to the bride’s family: to find a female in his family who is willing to marry a brother or male cousin of the bride. I’m David, Kate’s only brother, so I guess that means that Jeff is supposed to find me a girl! I’m just reading what’s written here on the card – this wasn’t my idea! Just so you know, I’m not really ready to marry anyone yet, so a hug or a kiss on the cheek will do just fine.

Free finds volunteer…

THEA: Hello. My name is Thea, and both Kate and Jeffrey are good friends of mine. One of the most common folk traditions is known as handfasting. Among the most ancient handfasting rituals are those of the Druidic tradition, where it was believed that the bride and groom embodied the Goddess and the God. I now call forth the divine in Kate and Jeffrey. Listen well and answer truly!

Hail, Goddess, Lady of the Earth! Holding in your secret heart the promise of plenty within the endless cycle of time's stately dance, we salute you! Hail, mistress of abundance and wholesome, healthy life. Hail, Sister of us all.

Are you, our divine Sister Who Is All, prepared to open the abundance of your love and whatever crops you may harvest, be they physical, emotional or spiritual, to your Brother Who Is All to tend to his needs and seek his greatest growth in the richness of your soul’s richest soil?

KATE: As the Sister Who Is All Sisters, may it be so!

THEA: Hail, God, Master of the Fire! Purifying all within the bright, clean flame of passion, and the light of truth, we salute you. Hail, master of prosperity and good works! Hail, Brother of us all.

Are you, our divine Brother Who Is All, prepared to focus the flame of your desire for love and light, your passion for truth and right, on the well-being of your Sister Who Is All, casting out the shadows of the unwanted and unwholesome past and using your heat to warm, not burn and your light to guide, not blind your beloved?

JEFFREY: As the Brother Who Is All Brothers, may it be so!

Thea takes the handfasting cord and wraps it around our hands…

BETH: I’m Beth, one of Kate’s good friends. I know that both Kate and Jeff have been significantly influenced by Buddhist wisdom. One of the most important traditions in a Buddhist wedding in Thailand is the water ceremony, known as ROD NAM.

During the ceremony, the bride and groom kneel together. They are connected by a holy string around their shoulders or hands, symbolizing their spiritual union. One by one, guests walk up and pour water over the couple’s hands while offering a blessing or marital advice.

The water ceremony is usually performed by all guests older than the couple. Today, everyone here is invited to participate! You may speak your blessings and advice out loud, or participate silently. I’ll begin, the person to my right will go next, and we’ll just follow each other around the circle.

Water ceremony…

DAN: My name is Dan, and I’m a friend of Kate.

Perhaps the greatest gift that Jesus brought to the world was the message of Love. Your task, Kate and Jeffrey, is to hear these verses from the Bible, take them into your heart and Soul, so that they may always sustain and nourish your marriage.

1 Corinthians 13:1-12
I may speak in tongues of men or of angels, but if I am without love, I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy, and know every hidden truth; I may have faith strong enough to move mountains; but if I have no love, I am nothing. I may dole out all I possess, or even give my body to be burnt, but if I have no love, I am none the better.

Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offence. Love keeps no score of wrongs; does not gloat over other men’s sins but delights in the truth. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and its endurance.

Love will never come to an end. Are there prophets? Their work will be over. Is there knowledge? It will vanish away; for our knowledge and our prophecy alike are partial, and the partial vanishes when wholeness comes. Now we see only puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we shall see face to face.

TONY: The ring bearer may now step forward with the rings.

Ruis gives rings to Kate and Jeff

TONY: Kate and Jeff have completed many tasks, from many cultures, symbolizing the power of the partnership we’re celebrating today. Now it’s time for them each to share individually about what this wedding means to them.

Jeff and Kate, as you speak, you’ll hold your partner’s ring in your hand. Let the power of your words fill the ring, so that as your partner wears it for the rest of their life, it will echo the words you speak today. Kate, we’ll start with you.

Kate speaks!

TONY: (pause) Jeff, now it’s your turn.

Jeff speaks!

TONY: (pause) Now it’s time for us to take these intentions that you’ve just spoken, and seal them with sacred vows. God has called us to live in union with the Holy Spirit and in communion with each other. The gift of marriage cultivates our ability to share happiness and sorrow, to give and receive, to understand and forgive, so that we may carry these lessons into all that we do in the world. In the presence of God and these witnesses, I ask you, Jeffrey, will you have Kate, who stands here before you, to be your wife? Will you love, honor, and be true to her, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, for all of your lives?

JEFFREY: Yes, I will.

TONY: Likewise I ask you, Kate, will you have Jeffrey, who stands at your side, to be your husband? Will you love, honor, and be true to him, in plenty and in want, in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health, for all of your lives?

KATE: Yes, I will.

TONY: I now invite everyone to stand.

(CONGREGATION STANDS)

TONY: Jeffrey and Kate have invited you here because they want to share this day with you, and because they desire your support and encouragement. You all have a role to play in their relationship. I now ask you as family, friends, and congregation, will you do everything in your power to support them in their marriage and give it your blessing? If so, please respond by saying loudly, "Yes, we will!"

CONGREGATION: Yes, we will!

TONY: Kate and Jeffrey, you have declared your intention to share with each other your joys and sorrows and all that the years will bring. Now it’s time for you to accept these promises from each other, by accepting the rings onto your fingers.

(rings on fingers and kiss!)

TONY: And so it is done! Let the whole world celebrate the partnership of Jeff and Kate!

Juniper dings chime!

TONY: The most universal of all wedding traditions is eating and drinking together! You are all invited to the reception at the Kittle Field Picnic area at the bottom of the mountain, which will begin as soon as we’re done with photos up here.

*************
Then the rain came while evryone drove down the mountain, and soon dissipated in time for dancing to great Klezmer music by the Vulgar Bulgars. After the reception, the more daring guests stripped down to skinny dip in a beautiful mountain stream (my favorite part of the whole day.

Tonight we celebrated by jumping over the broom again, this time with a baby in my arms...

At Burning Man a few years ago (3?), there was an art installation way out in the middle of the playa, away from everything else in the expansive desert. It was a chair with a pole standing next to it, and hanging from a hook on the pole was a set of headphones. I sat in the chair and put on the headphones, and through them came the barrage of self-depreciating messages, in alternating male and female voices.

"You're boring."
"Your body is ugly."
"You're a fake."
"Who would ever like you?"

I listened for maybe five minutes, feeling the familiarity of many of the invectives. When I felt done, I lifted the headphones away... and was amazed by the *silence*. THAT seemed to be the gift of the art piece -- the experience of taking the headphones off and coming back to real, sensory experience, beyond the evaluative and judgemental mind...

More on baby Aurora...

The childbirth experience was a mixture of sweet ecstasy and intense physical and emotional work. And in the end, a baby came out... in the bathroom, because I thought I had to poop.

Free: "I see something!"
Me: (screaming) "It's poop!"
Free: "No, it's the baby!"
It turns out that I wasn't going crazy... lots of women have this experience.

Aurora and I have been having a sweet time getting to know each other as we lay in bed together. I'm on orders to stay in bed for 2 weeks due to a tear in a tricky place -- ugh! I'm trying to enjoy the rest as a luxury... but I miss working in the garden and being a part of daily life around here. Free and the kids are treating me like a queen, though, so I can't complain.

This baby is pretty delightful -- lots of sleeping, nursing, and wide-eyed observation (during the few hours she's awake). She doesn't have a last name yet, because Free and I haven't figured out how to balance practicality with idealism (isn't that the quintessential struggle?). So for now, she just has two middle names, two ecstatic parents, and a lot of poop.

love,
tickledspirit and Aurora (Rori, Froggy, Sugar Snap, Pea Pod...)

Welcome to the world, Aurora Ember Ruth! Born Monday, April 28 at 8:45pm, in the bathroom (I thought I had to poop).

From an article about the Yearning for Zion child abuse case: “An expert in children in cults testified Friday that while the teen girls believed they were marrying out of free choice, it's a choice based on lessons they've had from birth.”

Of course, ALL of us who believe we have free choice are also operating based on assumptions/lessons we’ve learned since birth… how is this different?

Some lessons learned in the “cult” of America:
- a nuclear family comprised of a monogamous couple is right and moral

- independence = success: trusting other people is foolish, and asking for help is a sign of weakness

- food comes from the grocery store, and medicine comes from the doctor

I don’t mean to pose this question as a way of justifying whatever has been happening in that community of people (which currently seems unknown and unable to be judged until more information comes out) – I’m just using it to highlight our own indoctrination, which often goes unacknowledged (this is the sociology geek in me, still alive despite my choice to leave grad school).

Last night I though I might be starting the birth journey, and I panicked! So much nervousness and "But I haven't yet done..."

Thankfully, that was just a practice experience, and I got to see how I'm not being open and ready for it to come. So, my intention today and for the days to come is to seek full presence in the moment, to clear my To Do List with intention and ease, and dance, meditate, paint, breathe myself into the moment, into full acceptance of What Is.